I love lingerie. I love being super comfortable. I love being sexy. I love being casual. I don’t like it when you can see my panty lines under my jeans. I love wearing a black bra under a white shirt.
You see the contradictions I have to deal with day after day?
Yeah, I know. You too.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I wore a matching bra and panties. But even so, I’m a fan of matching sets, it makes you look like you’ve got it all together. Like Fanny Ardant!
But between the hassle of not washing your bras as often as your panties (right?) and the little negotiations with reality, sooooo uhhhh if I wear white skinny jeans with a white shirt, I want people to be able to see my bra but definitely not my panties, dear god! so you end up with a flesh colored Commando (perfectly named) on bottom and a black lace Agent Provocateur bra (also a great name) on top. And when you get undressed, your boyfriend thinks you’re schizo.
Nope, that’s just real life, man. This isn’t Playboy here.
As for comfort, let’s be honest. I don’t know even one friend of mine who can stand to wear super sexy underwear for more than thirty minutes. Not to mention thongs, which are instruments of torture–so 2002. And ever since I discovered bras without underwire this summer (there are some that work super well even if you have boooobs! They’re from Fortnight, and Cosabella makes some really good ones too) it’s been hard for me to go back to wearing French style bras. It looks like I went down three bra sizes, which doesn’t bother me at all, except that bras without underwire seem to go hand in hand with a pesky “boob distribution” problem.
In a few words, without making you a drawing, when you have boobs, depending on where the bra places your chest, you can end up looking five pounds heavier or five pounds lighter.
+ flattened on the sides (like with a sports bra or any bra without underwire): 3 pounds heavier from the front, but amazing from the side.
+ pushed forward (like with a balconnet bra): great from the front, +5 pounds from the side.
+ flattened in the middle and on the sides at the same time (like with a bandeau bra): uniboob, and you risk pushing your boobs down – yeah this happens even to the perkyest boobs, just a question of bra ! It doesn’t make you look heavier, but 20 years older and toothless hahahahah
+ pushed up (like a Wonderbra): Kim Kardashian
But honestly, from now on, I see my bras with underwire like… Well as if I were wearing armor.
I still wear them because it’s great for chest distribution, but I have a hard time.
Lingerie struggles are infinite, but for your reading pleasure, ladies and ladies (I doubt any of our male readers are still with us at this point)(yes, one exists! I met him! He’s beautiful and stylish but he’s NOT single)(guys who read Garance Doré have great awesome girlfriends) let me give you a few examples of what drives me crazy.
If I wear a very thin sweater, I have to wear a bra without lace to avoid weird mini-bulks that aren’t chic, so I wear a tulle bra (Wolford makes some great ones!) Ok, but it doesn’t protect you from the pointy nipple) And honestly, this flesh colored tulle bra, I have to say: it’s not sexy.
If I wear low rise jeans (ok, we all know that’s a problem of the past, low rise jeans are awful, who still wears them?? Ew!)(just kidding, I still wear them)(but ok, not the low rise jeans of 2002 with the micro-zipper so small we wondered why it was even there, remember?) and I don’t want panty lines, so I wear a thong, I run the risk of showing the top of my thong every time I sit down in public. Ew. Not sexy.
If I wear thigh highs and garters, I….Hahahahhaha, I NEVER wear thigh highs and garters pffff! (ok, I have some in my drawer, like all girls who let themselves be talked into it by some magazine that was out of ideas so they said it was THE thing to have and wear on special occasions)(the only time I ever wore them, I…..yeah ok, I don’t want to tell you because my mother in law Bobbie reads my blog, I believe – Hehehe, Hi Bobbie, we’re just talking about cooking for Thanksgiving with my friends, whats up ?!) but let me tell you right away, it didn’t go anywhere. Not because I didn’t look amazing in them, of course. But just because nothing could be of less interest… Anyway. Bobbie.
Long story short, don’t cry, because I have an amazing conclusion :
Ultimately, no one cares if our underwear is more functional than sexy: everyone knows this, guys couldn’t care less about the lingerie we wear. They like us naked!!!
(so do like all girls do and just toss your awful-looking Spanx under the bed with a fast but discreet little gesture while distracting your guy with the magnificent Garance Doré poster on the other side of the room.)
Yeah. I should have started there.