Dear all of you who asked me about sex,
I received so many questions on that subject, all so different, both specific and broad, but the one feeling that came up the most in your questions, I think, is one about insecurity.
Whether it’s about our bodies, about how much we should have sex, how do we handle post-baby body…To me, a lot of it comes down to that. Insecurity.
I also probably read between the lines because it is a huge subject in my life right now.
We always talk about confidence. But where do we find that confidence?
Is there a source where we can go drink it?
And just so you know where I am going right away – the source is not others.
If you haven’t been bathed in self-confidence, showered in unconditional love, and shown that the only opinion that really matters is your own when you were young, then you might have spent most of your life looking for that source in others.
I know I have.
And you know what’s worse?
I found it.
I found love and validation in others for so long. Whether it be lovers loving my body, friends loving my mind, readers loving my point of view…I found it so fast and so easy that I thought that was it. That was how you’re supposed to live.
The problem? If you live in the eyes of others, when others are not there, then you are nothing.
If nobody tells you you are beautiful, are you beautiful?
If no one tells you you’re smart and kind, then are you smart and kind?
If no one likes your photo, did the moment really happen?
Of course you are, and of course it did. But if you’ve only learned to live in the eyes of others, then it will be hard to recognize. And that way of living is a bitch. It’s empty. You know it because you’ve seen celebrities (probably the people that are the most obviously looking for approval) get so high on it that they need more and more and more…
Needing other people’s love and approval has no bottom.
But we can turn this around.
I know I am doing the work. What’s the work? It’s practice.
Loving is a verb. Approving of yourself is a practice. If you don’t love your body, no amount of reassurance will make you feel confident in it. So, PRACTICE. Don’t be lazy ;)
Find your own stuff. Dance, walk naked at home. Don’t stuff yourself – nourish yourself. Try new things. Challenge yourself. Exercise! Touch yourself in front of a mirror. Understand what makes you, you. Be real about what you need. REAL! Not crazy. As much as I love body positivity, I don’t feel good when I am overweight – over MY weight. At my natural weight, I am still a little curvy. It’s good, I like it like that. I like my boobs and my ass like that. So, part of the work is to keep my weight where I feel happy and comfortable. Where it’s easy and not a torture.
I also personally believe in helping nature. I know a lot of you guys won’t agree and I am totally fine with this, but some of my friends have had their boobs done, and it changed their lives. Even Perla Servan-Schreiber in my podcast talked about having her facelifts and what a great effect it had on her life. If something was driving me crazy, I would give it a long think, but I would say – fuck, why not?
I believe that we can do what we need to, to feel good and at home with our bodies.
But we start by accepting, loving, understanding. We start with the love.
When that’s done, or even while the work is getting done, the others are still around.
And I truly believe the partners we choose have a lot to do with the relationship we have with ourselves.
People who truly love you will shine a warm light on you.
That’s all there is to it.
No one is supposed to make you feel shitty about yourself.
You don’t have to prove anything to anyone but to yourself.
And especially in sex, there are no rules but the ones you set up for yourself.
When you have that, you can enter a relationship of trust with the others. And in love, and sex specifically, you’ll feel bonds getting deeper while crappy situations and people evaporate. Because you don’t desperately NEED others, you’ll CHOOSE others.
But for that, you have to start by choosing yourself first, everyday!