It’s been almost a year since we got engaged, and we don’t have even the slightest beginning of an idea of when we’re going to get married.
So there you go, that’s the short answer to the burning question no one dares to ask.
As if our love were sitting in the waiting room, or worse, we are afraid to say we’re back pedaling and we’ve changed our minds, actually. Or WORSE! We eloped in Vegas. In any case, after eight months of being engaged, the question “So, when’s the big day?” starts to fade away and gets replaced with slightly awkward smiles, then finally it disappears from the conversation completely.
Especially because it really wasn’t easy to answer, since the secret reason why we aren’t married yet is so simple: we haven’t had time to think about it.
Plus, it’s great being engaged!
Being engaged is a unique time.
Well, a lot of my friends have told me it’s also the worst time ever. It’s like when you’re in escrow on a house (yes, I’m going through that right now and can’t wait to tell you about it), you can still get out of it if you want to.
It’s a time when you say to yourself: is this REALLY what I want?
Delphine, my guide specialized in marriage always told me: when a man asks you to marry him, he’s had months to think about it, he knows.
But for a woman, the culmination of her life is supposed to be the moment when the guy gets on his knees on top of the Himalayas (or in a hotel room in Mexico) and that’s it. The victory IS the proposal, being asked to be someone’s wife. So it’s like YES! BOOM! Hahaha, I got him ;)
How could I be so stupid!
Then you spend a few months weeks days basking in the light of your diamond victory love and everything is perfect in the most perfect of worlds, you eat strawberries staring into each other’s eyes and crossing your arms like in TV ads, then real life comes knocking and the inevitable “engagement dance” begins, which includes real moments of magic, broken up with moments of:
“Sorry (shocked face), you want to be my husband and you _______?”
(Fill in the blank: Leave your socks lying around, haven’t texted me a heart-eyed emoji for more than three hours, didn’t walk the dog so she peed in the hallway, etc. etc. etc.)
That can go pretty far, and then it’s kind of like Stranger Things: We loooooove scaring ourselves. Ooooooh, tremble in fear, engaged people!!!
Raise your hand those who haven’t gone through the obligatory dramatic giving-back-the-ring ceremony while wailing AND crying (it’s an obligation after getting engaged, ultimate test of love)(and on his side, with no ring to give, the guy is about to buy boxes and start packing) until love wins again and all your feelings and promises come back stronger.
All these ups and downs are apparently normal, and the fact that my friends warned me about it still didn’t stop me from firmly believing I was original and that no one, nope, no one had ever gone through these profound moments of meaningful drama.
Pfff, come on. We all go through it.
So once all the drama is over, there’s a kind of peace – a calm, bright love settles in. It’s a rather beautiful moment, actually – we passed ALL the tests, and even when we get mad at each other or irritated (yeah, it happens) we know we really love each other and no one is looking to pack their bags.
So it’s time to get married, right?
Well, first of all, there are all the points Laura brought up the other day.
Stepping into a marriage, in our modern society, means, first, stepping into a lawyer’s office.
And who wants to do that, I have to ask.
The second thing is imagining all the amazing, breathtaking, fabulous things we could do with a wedding in my village in Corsica with charter boats and such, or a wedding in LA on the beach, or a wedding in Virginia on the farm, or a wedding in South Carolina on the lake… La la la, dreams and little birds flying around and hearts and happiness, yep, happiness!
And then, take all those dreams and dash them one by one, or spend three generations of inheritance and give up on buying a house, a car, or a life.
Then, you have to decide on a date and set it, and just that, well, with us…having something set in stone is uhh…fuuuuu.
Then the time comes when you say yes, a small, simple, beautiful wedding would be really nice. Or a spontaneous wedding at the courthouse! Or getting married with no wedding at all! Or not getting married is really nice too! Or…
Okay, let’s talk about something else, babe.
And that’s how sometimes, you just end up deciding to take your time. Add life into the mix, a move to Los Angeles and all the other life changes (and yeah, buying a house and cars) that go along with that, and poof, you decide to just take your time.
Even though he sometimes calls me his wife. And I love it.
It’s strange, but taking my time has only done one thing: it strengthens my desire to get married. Like I told you, to me, marriage was a strange concept to begin with, not very familiar to me, I was almost cynical about it. I grew up in a family with a divorce and what I saw of love didn’t leave me much room for dreams, or hope, or a desire to get married.
But by taking my time, I got used to the idea, and even started to love the idea. Quite simply because what ended up happening between us is that we don’t need anyone to tell us what we already know: to us, we’re already husband and wife.
And if that’s what being engaged does, I say, don’t hesitate to take your time. Resist the pressure, and do exactly what you want to do.
And know that the wedding that follows will be nothing but a celebration of that love that’s already there. Marriage won’t take anything away and it won’t add anything to what you already have.
To me, it’s a revolution and really opening my mind to the beauty of being united and the simplicity of life. With that idea in mind, it will probably be a lot easier to come up with a day that works for us, set a date that works for everyone else, and be able to shout (when no one’s asking us anymore): “We have a date!”
Translated by Andrea Perdue