So…where was I? Oh yeah, in my last Insta Update, I left you all waiting in breathless anticipation right when Chris had sent me a photo of himself naked behind the Christmas Tree.
And then, well, vacation started and I didn’t give you any more updates.
To make up for the typical lack of discipline of yours truly, here’s a summary of my Instagram activity the past three weeks (wow, time flies!) The end is graphic, so sensitive souls proceed with caution. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
It’s the end of my tour, I’m exhausted and I have to leave again for London right away, so I decide it’s time for Chris and me to get the massage of the century, since we can’t take it anymore. So we make an appointment at the Peninsula, one of my favorite spas in New York.
Have you ever had a couples massage?
IT’S SO WEIRD. It’s good, but it’s weird. It’s almost pointless, actually. You’re in the same room, but it’s not like you’re going to hold hands during the massage, or kiss, or talk, or whatever. So the only time together is the kind of strange moment when you take off your clothes before lying down on the table, and the time after the massage when you look like you went though a sleep storm and still naked. Even so, it’s still nice. But I’ll never understand the concept.
It really is the massage of the century, in a room with a panoramic view of New York, a rooftop pool with a panoramic view of New York, a magnificent sauna, everything. I’m a big fan of spas, so I think it’s probably my duty to do a guide for you of my favorite spas all over the world…
… And now it’s time to get back on the road to go to London for the last date of my tour.
… I’m in a bonkers hotel, the London Edition — it’s super designed, and I do my interviews in this gorgeous room that makes it seem like life is simple, beautiful, organized and luxurious, and that I’m a simple, beautiful, organized, luxurious star.
…Ok, but at the same time, I’d like your opinion on the idea that we need 200 pillows to be happy in life. What’s with all these beds completely covered in pillows? Where did that come from? Why? I don’t get it. Ok I enhanced the effect on that photo by piling the pillows of two beds on one, but you get the idea.
Ok, back to New York after a memorable book signing in London, and back to reality which is not simple, beautiful, organized or luxurious because our apartment is far from finished, given how huge it is in comparison to my tiny “transition apartment” that only took me three weeks to decorate. Now it’s a continuous work in progress. I promise, one day
when I’m no longer ashamed of the work zone I’ll show you around!
This is my view from our room in Chris’s parents’ house. ISN’T IT NUTS? So beautiful, right? Every morning, I wake up to duck sounds. Time passes by twice as slowly in South Carolina, and that’s exactly what I need. I do nothing, except eat, of course.
Unfortunately, I’ve got quite a taste for Southern Food and I don’t want to miss a crumb. I pretend to watch what I’m eating and I give my utmost attention to the book on nutrition a well-meaning friend got for me, but the truth is, I’m spending all day snacking with a big sloppy smile on my face. I’m happy, okay?
It’s very humid in South Carolina, so I tell myself the extra padding I feel when I literally can’t close my jeans is due to humidity. At one point, I even hear myself ask Doug, Chris’s father, “Does humidity make you retain water? Because this morning I couldn’t button my jeans.” Chris died laughing at my super serious face and chubby cheeks and Doug tried to answer yes, maybe, it’s possible, I mean, on another planet, maybe…
We come back to New York, I weigh myself, and…it’s le désastre. I gained five pounds, on top of the other pounds from before, and the other pounds from before before before that, by the square root of 12, which means I no longer fit in any of my jeans, not even my baggy ones. I’M NOT KIDDING.
And I’m leaving for Mexico…
Bah, who cares if your bathing suit is bursting at the seams when the sunset is so beautiful.
Besides, we’re going to start surfing again and everything will fall back into place, we’re going to go back to being hot!
The truth is, I’m having a hard time getting past the beginner stage with surfing. I’m stuck, I’m scared. It’s the moment when I have to “grow up” and go out in the waves by myself and I’m terrorized by everything. I’m afraid the board will hit me in the face, or I’ll cut off another surfer, or wipe out, or drown in a huge wave…
I think this is the decisive moment everyone has to go through, when you decide to either say: “Meh, maybe surfing isn’t that great” or “Yes, I’m going to persevere because it’s really worth it”. I started leaning toward “Meh, maybe surfing isn’t that great” on this trip and I’m kind of mad at myself. It’s so easy to give up!!! Right?
Apparently this kind of thing always happens when you least expect it, but one morning, Chris asked me to marry him.
I’m saving the story for later this week, but let me tell you, it was a total shock for both of us (yes, even for him).
It was crazy and very sweet.
And it didn’t happen at a time when my hair was gorgeous and my skin was radiant and I was wearing the perfect outfit, but rather at a time when I was bursting out of my jeans and my skin was also bursting (the sun does that to me ? It’s a new thing) (I was even in kind of a bad mood that morning). I don’t know if it’s a life lesson, but I think it’s worth pointing out.
After that, the week in Mexico went by like we were on a lovely little pink cloud. Chris and I were twirling around in the air, drinking cold strawberry margaritas while watching unforgettable sunsets, talking about love morning to night, fanning ourselves with palms, diving into a warm sea a packed with friendly dolphins, tasting delicious foods from countries where it doesn’t rain, etc.
DON’T BELIEVE A WORD.
The week went really well, yes. And it’s strange and wonderful to say that the man you love is going to become your family, yes. We did drink margaritas at sunset, yes. But even so, and excuse the fact that I don’t have a photo for this, but at the end of our engagementneymoon, the worst happened, and it’s hilarious, but before it got funny, it got really painful.
We were both struck by an attack from the fire of the revenge of Montezuma. In other words, we got Tourista. Are you familiar with it? Have you had it before? No ? Come aaaaaaan. Say it. Okay. Remember when Charlotte goes to Mexico in Sex & The City? And where were we?
We ended the week writhing in pain, taking turns on the toilet, progressively losing the last few ounces of mystery left between us. We were half dying of laughter, half worried, and half “ok, I don’t care what he thinks, I absolutely have to sprint to the toilet now MAKE WAAAAAYYYY HEEEELLLLPPPP” and we took turns forcing each other to drink water. Buried under a blanket in our bed in the jungle in the middle of paradise on earth, watching cat videos on YouTube, the only thing we could access with our bad internet connection. CLASSY. CHIC. ROMANTIC.
Basically, the ultimate test for a couple, right then and there, just for us.
That’s what you’ll never see on Instagram.
And that’s why my Updates exist. Because real life, as cruel as it might be, is a lot funnier than the picture perfect version. We survived, we got over it, and honestly, it sounds silly, but I think it made us stronger.
Oh yeah, and I lost those three pounds, by the way.
Don’t go looking for meaning in that, though. Haha.
Ok, I’m off! Kisses!!
Translated by Andrea Perdue