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Intimacy

4 years ago by

Intimacy

Some people feel the only way to be truly intimate with someone is being able to share absolutely everything. Here in the studio, we’ve discussed the levels of closeness we like having in our relationships with significant others. A few of us are on board with anything goes – i.e. plucking hairs from weird places, but I am definitely not part of that camp. I am all for getting to the point where you feel like you can use your partner’s bathroom for all things that should happen in there, BUT, some things do not need to be discussed. My boyfriend doesn’t need to know all of the things I do to look the way I do (and vice versa!), and I don’t believe this makes my relationship less intimate or close, I just like to maintain a little bit of privacy (and allure!) and prefer to have my hairs plucked by me or a trained professional. Three things I MUST do behind closed doors:

1. Lip wax.

2. Clip toenails.

3. Dealing with ingrown hairs.

Do I need to explain? What about you? How much is TOO much for your partner to know?

17 comments

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  • This is such an interesting post! For my boyfriend and I, we are quite chilled and don’t mind grooming and self-care in front of one another. However, I can totally appreciate your viewpoint on the matter as some things really are just best kept to ourselves. Despite being close to our significant others, we cannot sacrifice our ‘me time’. For me, going too far is using the bathroom simultaneously–I’m not really cool with that, unless it’s urgent. I need that boundary.

  • Oh my gosh… Carrie you’re like my bff right now! YES! I agree with you completely. Some things should be left to the imagination because of course ‘I woke up like this.’ I mean there is no allure in an activity like picking your nose– in front of your love. Can you? Yes. Should you go out of your way to? Uhhhmmm…I don’t see why. But here’s the thing…come to think about the intimacy part…what if you got bed ridden ill and couldn’t do some things for yourself…like say pick your nose, clip your nails, tweeze the mustache…it’d probably be your love that’d do it. Wouldn’t it?!? Or maybe this is where we cue mom?

    xxoo
    -D

  • Constance August, 18 2016, 7:10 / Reply

    I’m on the anything goes camp. I prefer to be left alone in the toilet, but its not out of bounds if he needs to get in. And this intimacy thing is a bit relative, I’ve been married for so many years that there where situations, like the previous commentator mentioned, where illness will make the concept of intimacy totally irrelevant. Unless you have money to make sure that your “mystique” is always protected, for most of us will become natural and necessary to share.

  • Voici les choses que je ne ferai pas devant ma moitier:

    1. Faire pipi devant lui et m’essuyer.
    2. M’épiler, qu’importe la partie de mon corps.
    3. Mettre une protection féminine devant lui (Diva cup, tampons, serviettes, protèges-dessous)

  • Je suis tout à fait d’accord avec ça, Carie.

    I have a friend who, when she and her husband are going out for dinner, dresses herself up in a separate room in their house. She says it really packs that “wow” factor when he sees her all dolled up – and he doesn’t have to see the make up process + whatever Spanx + plucking + other actions go on to make her look that way. She calls it maintaining the “mystery”. I love it!… but our townhouse isn’t big enough.

  • Oh I do agree with you, we need to spare each other the “gross” part of grooming, and I say that after having a big accident that involved my boyfriend helping me in the toilet for more than 2 month !

    I try to avoid circulating in the house with a face mask, doing my toenails and feet… but we are lucky to have a separated bathroom, so problem solved.

  • Katarina August, 19 2016, 5:37 / Reply

    After 12 years together, anything goes camp here as well. Life happens, it just isn’t manageable to keep all that mystery around yourself, especcially after a surgery I had, he needed to get more involved in my personal care as I would ever wanted him to. And I love him even more for that.
    But, I will always pretend to be disgusted if he dares to fart in my vicinity. ;) ;)

  • cleaning my ears !
    peeing !

  • Jorge Alexandre Teixeira August, 19 2016, 8:23 / Reply

    One time , a «friend» from a friend stayed at my apartment for the night. In the morning , while she was sleeping , i went to the market to buy some fresh bread, some fresh fruit ,orange juice and other stuff to make that special breakfast, you know?
    When i arrived home she was in the living room brushing her teeth watching tv using MY toothbrush!!!
    Couldn’t she just use mouthwash in the bathroom and be laying in bed readind the ELLE Magazine from the month before that i left next to her pillow on purpose?
    Anyway, the rest of the morning went well and…as for the toothbrush, garbage !!!

  • I agree–I believe in keeping the magic alive in a relationship, and part of that means maintaining an air of “feminine mystique.” I don’t mind brushing my teeth/doing face masks/etc. in front of my boyfriend, but anything else is private. It truly horrifies me when people will use the restroom with their significant other in the room, or with the door open–are we animals?! I’ve been with my boyfriend six years next month, lived with him for the past five, and have never (and will never) done that. When it comes to hygiene etc., I’m a private person in general (as I think it should be), and particularly with your partner, you want them to view you as alluring. You don’t want them to have a mental image of you peeing or twisting yourself into crazy shapes to do a wax haha. But to each their own!

  • Je pense que si je ne peux pas faire ce que je veux devant lui (et inversement) (et je parle même de péter, qui est apparemment plus traumatisant pour les autres que de s’épiler), il ne me connaitra jamais vraiment (et inversement) mais simplement avec une fausse image/représentation de moi. Je ne vois pas comment tenir ce manège pendant des années. Mais surtout surtout, je n’ai, mais alors vraiment pas, envie de m’empêcher d’être moi même avec la personne que j’aime et avec qui je partage ma vie. J’ai envie d’être spontanée et lui aussi, et on l’est.
    Je n’ai pas cette notion de dignité comme indiquée dans l’article, les poils en train d’être enlevés ou les pets ne sont pas indignes pour moi. En vrai je ne comprends pas ce que veut dire être digne de. Ca n’empêche pas que je suis quelqu’un de très propre, épilée et qui sent bon. ;)
    A mon avis les vrais zones secrètes sont celles qu’il y a dans la tête. En général on ne partage jamais tout à 100% avec quelqu’un (une amie, un mari, etc), on partage le contenu de sa tête avec plusieurs personnes (20% par ci, 30% par là), ou voire même avec personne. Et là c’est simplement un endroit inaccessible, l’autre ne voit même pas que c’est caché ou que ca existe. Alors que l’autre sait pertinemment que dans la salle de bain sa copine s’épile ou autre chose, car ca n’existe pas les filles pré-épilées avec la peau super douce automatiquement et qui ne pètent pas.

  • Je continue à penser à ce sujet : il n’y a pour moi pas de raison qui m’empêcherait de faire ce que j’ai à faire, en bref de vivre ma vie comme je l’entends. Je n’impose rien, je n’exhibe rien. Je fais ma vie c’est tout. Si l’autre n’aime pas ça, il ne regarde pas. S’il s’en fout, il ne regarde pas non plus. Je suis très libérale. J’attends qu’il vive sa vie de la même manière, et c’est le cas. Je n’aime pas les principes, ils coupent mon élan.

  • Aller aux toilettes, seule, porte fermee. De meme pour lui. Quant au reste, j’aime m’occuper de moi dans l’intimite mais s’il me voit, ce n’est pas un probleme.

  • Ai-Ch'ng August, 21 2016, 11:42 / Reply

    Before getting married, I wondered if I could ever be as relaxed with my husband-to-be, as our family members had been with each other. We are Asian, so generally very secretive about maintain a sense of distance with one another’s toilet routines etc.

    However, in the case of my parents, it had always been an open-door policy in our home. This is partly, I believe, because my father was an obstetrician and gynaecologist, and he and Mum were never embarrassed about their nudity if they had forgotten to replace their bath towels, or take in their PJs before showering. So, the same kind of relaxed attitude was something my brother and grew to hold – and nurture – with our own families.

    Another reason for my being generally cool about shared bathrooms is, the nay trips we made to India with volunteer youth who numbered in the thousands… where we had to share sheds to sleep in, and bathrooms.

    My husband is also in the medical field, and kept reassuring me that, “I’ve seen everything, babe – and you are gorgeous!”. However, I was pretty shy initially about sharing the bathroom with him, until two months into our marriage while pregnant, I was so unwell (for a very long time) – and so very grateful to him – for regularly assisting me in the bathroom.

    A few months after that, he was also incredibly sick with severe poisoning, so I returned the “mop-his-brow-clean-up-the-vomit” favour he had bestowed earlier upon me.

    Being really, really sick with your loved ones really throws out the whole idea of “keeping the mystery alive”. More than anything, being so unwell (and once, for two months about eight years ago – nearly dying) has made me realise that loving someone without secrecy of any kind, is the most liberating, natural, and absolutely alluring of all.

  • Ah bah moi, c’est pareil que toi ! Sauf que je n’ai pas besoin de m’épiler la moustache ;)
    Mais effectivement, la gestion des poils incarnés, le coupage d’ongles de pieds et autres (péter ? ^^) je fais ça seule :)

    Manon

  • This is a tricky one. Previously I was in the ‘keep some mystery’ camp and now I’ve officially switched over to ‘bare all’. My partner helped me turn the corner and granted there were some not so pretty moments along the way. He is very comfortable with his body and bodily functions : ) Lots of nudity around our house and times when I want to say, ‘could you please wear some underwear while you prepare breakfast’. Our little daughter is the same as far as nudity and her body. I guess that makes me the modest one and I wouldn’t really describe myself as modest. The let it all hang out attitude has been an adjustment for me and I can thank my partner whole heartedly for accepting me in all my glory. As for our daughter, I want to keep the shame out of life as long as I possibly can. I struggle with deciding when to tell her something is no longer appropriate or asking her to put clothes on. I feel like this is something that will continue to come up and teach me lessons. Especially as my parents age, I can only imagine the things I may need to do for them! It’s a practice in acceptance of myself and my loved ones.

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