Dear Laser Hair Removal,
I wanted to take a moment and properly thank you. I would also like to make a note for someone to thank you during my eulogy — oh, yes, I am controlling and narcissistic enough to have planned my own funeral. Don’t worry. I know it’s not normal. Hmm, perhaps you even belong in my epitaph?
“Here lies Veronica McCarthy. It was thanks to laser hair removal she finally attained a smooth bikini line at age thirty and thus overcame her greatest fear in life, a spontaneous beach day.”
You see, prior to our courtship, a “spontaneous beach day” sounded about as fun and frivolous to me as “the bar exam.” If any of my friends were to invite me on a “spontaneous beach day” one of two things was true. Either…
A) They were not really my friend because my real friends would know I need AT MINIMUM three days prep time to show 90% of my skin in public and not be mistaken for Sasquatch.
B) They could never be my friend because we have fundamentally different fears and thus struggles in life.
I’m sure those hairless, flawless, unicorns of women have their own struggles if life — and I respect those struggles, I do — but they will never understand the struggle of thick, dark, unwanted body hair and the fear of having to wear jean shorts into the ocean because that seems more normal than exposing what lies beneath.
I know it took me a long time to finally commit to our regular sessions but I’m not good at planning ahead (unless it’s my funeral) and booking our appointments in winter for my “summertime skin” was about as appealing as eating salads in depths of February.
But thank god I grew up and saw the potential in you. I know we have a bit more work to do, but my razor is already thrilled at how smooth my skin gets. My armpits have never looked so attractive!
And now, at age thirty, you have finally given me the courage to accept any and all spontaneous beach day offers with the enthusiasm of Derek Zoolander drinking an orange mocha frappechino.
With all my heart and lack of dark body hair,